Confessions of a Country Dancing Casanova

Some of my readers may remember I used this blog to crowd-source a speech I was to give in an international speech contest.   In a few weeks, I intend to compete again, this time in a humorous speech contest.  Please enjoy and be sure to tell me what you think.

I am not as young as I once was.
My how the years have flown.
But back in my prime,
there was a time,
when I could really hold my own.

Mr./Madame Chairperson, Fellow Toastmasters, and most Welcome guests.

I know what you all would like to say.  Don’t give up your … day job.
I promise not to sing again.  However, these words by country crooner Toby Keith speak to me.  I may not look like much; however, I once enjoyed some decent popularity with the ladies.  If you know what I mean, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more, say no more.

Not being classically handsome; actually not being handsome whatsoever, I had a gimmick – the ability to dance country.  Today I will share with you 3 benefits of this skookum capability.

#1 benefit:  reduced rejection
I’ll need a volunteer to help me.  First, I want you to take this ball, which represents my heart, and rip it out of my chest.

There are many strategic advantages to country dancing

There are many strategic advantages to country dancing

Now it’s beating in your hands, what do you do?  Squeeze the life out of it.   It’s grossing you out now, spike that thing like it’s a football.  Finally for the coup de grace, scoop that heart up and pitch it against the wall.  This visual demonstration represents the heartbreak that a young man feels when he is rejected from a dance request of a young suitor.  Lets give her a hand.  Have you done this before?

This is obviously to be avoided.  And I figure my rejection rate went from 12 a night to 2 when I learned how to dance.  Even less when I got so good that the ladies began to ask me to sway.

Why dancing works, is that you are able to offer added value.  A young lady says yes when either she wants to dance, wants to learn how to dance, or would love to get on the dance floor, and in the line of sight of better looking fellows.

I would like to think that for me most of the time it was the former reasons, but likely it was the later.  Either way a dancer provides a service which provides a yes, not a no.

#2 benefit: bending of the space/time continuum
This phrase sounds like it could role off the tongue of Isaac Asimov, Carl Sagan, maybe even William Shatner.

If country dancing doesn't bend time & space, you can call me this guy

If country dancing doesn’t bend time & space, you can call me this gu

However, I’m being tangible.  When I was a rock and roller, I had to ask a lady to dance 3 or 4 times before I felt worthy enough to ask her for a slow, close dance.  And, close is where I wanted to be.  However, when I ask a young lady to country dance, I’m eye to eye, cheek to check, hands in strategic positions, right on the first dance.

It that’s not bending space and time, you can call me James T. Kirk.

#3 benefit:  a bodacious buck-to-hug ratio.
This last benefit is a financial one.  Which is suiting because I am the most frugal fellow you have ever met.  Well lets call a spade a spade, I’m not frugal, I’m cheap.  In fact I come from a long line of cheapskates.  Does anyone here know the difference between a Jonuk and a canoe?  Jonuks don’t tip.

To explain this benefit, I’ve got a handy dandy flipchart graph.  On the y axis is bucks and on the x axis is hugs.  Before I learned how to dance, I was over here in high buck, low hug territory.  I had a hefty bar tab to provide me liquid courage and dull the good sense of my dance partners.  However, despite those big investments, my results were meager.

When I began to dance, I didn’t have to dress as nice or skink as expensive and neither did I require an expensive gas chugging, overcompensating pick-up truck.  And, simply by the physical geometry of country-dance, which I shared with you earlier, I was getting hugs on each dance request.   Medium bucks, medium hugs on the curve.

With practice, I became an accomplished dancer.  I was too busy to indulge; I was always on the dance floor.  In fact, I figured I stole a hug or 2 per evening from my non-dancing drink buying competitors.  Since while they had their credit cards out at the bar, I was snatching their lady targets to join me on the dance floor.  This high buck, high hug realm on the curve is where I was.  This is where we find rock stars, hockey players, and Justin Trudeau, at a pro-pot convention.

Ladies and gentlemen, I may not look like much, but I was once all that.  Country dancing was my niche and tonight I’ve shared with you it’ 3 main benefits

  • #1:  Reduced rejection
  • #2:  Bending of space and time
  • #3:  A Bodacious buck-to-hug ratio

With this I rest my case as a once upon a time, country dancing casanova.
__________________________________________________________

I would appreciate your feedback on this speech draft. Both on what you think will be effective and what you think needs tweaking.
Comment below, tweet me @gsjonuk, or email me at thejonuks@shaw.ca

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3 Responses to Confessions of a Country Dancing Casanova

  1. Ram Rayaprolu says:

    Its hilarious and I hope to use some of your tricks, if there is an opportunity. Good luck in the competition.

  2. Sallie says:

    Add, “But no, this curve doesn’t touch the x-axis”, after the “medium bucks, …”. (You need to make sure your audience understands x- and y-axis, as not everybody loves Math). I think you mean, ‘canuck’ in ‘Jonuk and a canoe’, and ‘shared’ in ‘shred with you’. There are others but they are not discernible in a speech. Good job!

  3. gsjonuk says:

    Thanks for your edits Sallie and Ram. Sallie, my last name is “Jonuk.” That is why I used that word. I will have the curve on the flip chart; however, I might try to eliminate the x and y axis jargon if I don’t think it’s needed.

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